How fleeting are these years
I wish I could go back in time and live the last seven years of motherhood all over again. Live it more presently, joyfully, with more compassion, connection, and simplicity. I wish I could go back in time and cherish every second of my sleeping baby's face, relive the joy of a positive pregnancy test, and the pride I felt when they took their first steps. As a mom of three little boys under four, I was exhausted and simply surviving for so long - just doing my best to remember to eat, breathe, and down-regulate my nervous system so I could respond to incessant questions with a patient tone. I was desperate for a proper quiet time... to hear from the Lord and read a chapter uninterrupted amid everything else - making meals, communicating with family and friends, and preparing three meals a day.
I didn't understand or believe there would indeed come a time when I wouldn't be touched, demanded, or needed by someone. I didn't believe there would come a time when I would miss breastfeeding and weep over the reality that I was done having babies. And now... here I am. No pull-ups or diapers in sight. No middle-of-the-night wake-ups. Everyone can dress themselves and *mostly* brush their teeth. They can get their cereal, slide on their sneakers, buckle their helmets and bike up and down the driveway for hours. I can sit and drink several hot cups of coffee, read for pleasure, and then ask everyone to pack their backpacks with water bottles, snacks, and swimsuits as we embark on an all-day adventure. And gosh, it is MAGICAL. I take full breaths, eat meals sitting down, get my workouts in, enjoy snuggles, and have helpers in the kitchen. And as incredible as all of that is, as I transition into the next season, I feel a heavy grief as I say goodbye to a beautiful, refining, sweet chapter of my life.
I've found myself wishing I could do it all over again. To do it "better" and more intentionally. To really, really soak it in. I think it's the Lord's kindness that humans tend to forget the hardest and heaviest things. As mothers, over time, we forget the pain of childbirth, the exhaustion of the sleepless nights, and our frustration over picky eaters. We remember the sweetest times- the big hugs, "I love you, mama," and family trips.
I can't go back and experience it again... Gosh, I wish I could. Lord, thank you for giving me a life so beautiful that I wish I could experience it all over again, and help me to be present where my feet are in the coming days.
